You probably drove me to read a crapload of my old entries.
The girl recently mentioned is the same girl from before, when I went to HBU.
ANYHOW, I've realized that some things have changed for me, but some have most definitely stayed the same.
I thought I would move on from Jess, but I didn't. I really didn't. I tried my damndest, dating other girls, sleeping with other girls. Physically prettier ones at that. Almost 4 years later, where/what has that gotten me? No further away from her.
But the deep-rooted connection that she and I quickly developed really tore me apart. It really fucked me.
I am more composed now, but I realize that my life is a constant struggle, a struggle between lusting for power and wanting to love and be loved. I constantly flip flop between my identities of Kokuryu and a more Superman-like character.
I don't think I can have both.
And the only surefire thing I can do is really be strong for myself, develop myself.
And it kills me that I will not have this woman.
God help me.
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