Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Every day, I feel myself becoming a darker person. The light and the darkness within me continually pull at each other, fighting for dominance, in a neverending match of tug o' war. I can see what I am becoming and I fear it. Even now, I feel something growing in the pit of my stomach, that makes me hate, and drives me to become more powerful than I've ever been. I hold it back in all the time, knowing that strength and aggression aren't always the means to an end. But I hate limiting myself for the sake of others. I hate stopping a power punch from crushing through a head because I am concerned for the other's well-being. I hate catering to stupid people who don't know of their own stupidity. I hate not being what I want to be. I just want to kill something. God, I don't know what to do anymore. It's as if my life is not my own, and though I pray to You every day, I can't stop myself from feeling this way. I shudder as I feel my physical potential ripple through me and I am truly afraid. I want to know it, but I am scared it will consume me. Please God, hear me. Pacify my soul. I am not strong enough to bear your heavy gifts.
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2 comments:
dont worry...i know the feeling. everyone has their moments. i know u'll make it through and be happy again...but until then...u have plenty of friends to turn to.
~FatBuns~
Ruy, if anyone knows about a dark cloud over shadowing their soul its me. FOr a period of my life all I could see was darkness, it was driving to an edge i had no business being near to like that. The one thing that kept me going was the fact that I had people in my life that would never steer me wrong. One of those people, Da Ninja, was called up to the kingdom and looks down on not just me, but you too. As a friend and brother to me, he treated youjust as he treated me, with kindness and respect. Like a son because you are like a lil brother to me. though we have been seperated we will never lose the bond that we've made. We're in this together! I have lost and regain my confidence, my strength, so i lend my shoulder to lean on in your time of need, Killing is not the answer, like me you need that one good fight. whether it be with a stranger, or one uf us around you, so that you can test your limits. I don't even know my limits yet. Yeah, I said that shit. With the amount of strength I already I have. I use restraint not only in fear, but in the attempt not to bring about something worse in me. You can't live by the swrod in this day and age, because dying by it is something that I should hope would be fearful enough. GOD is forever present as we struggle with ourselves in this lifetime as we prepare for the next. So I leave you the choice, succumb to temptation, or gain strength by putting temptation into a box thats at the bottom of the ocean? You tell me Ryu, you tell me . . .
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