A note to Jessica Walker

Dear Jess,
I love you. I have loved you for the past ~4 years. There is no other woman who I have wanted so very badly. The thing is: I never win at love. And now, now that I've never ever wanted any woman so badly, I know I won't win this.

I know you have trust issues, but I want you, issues and all. Everything about you. I just don't know what else I can do to let you know that, regardless of my past with women, I only want you. You can trust me. I want that challenge. I would never leave you.

I was there for you before you became a nurse.
I was there for you when you needed to talk for 10 hours on the phone.
I was there for you... and I always will be.

If you ever find this, please know that I love you and that I always will.

And if you need to find me...
Well, I'm sure you will.

Nick

This blog has ended.

Thanks.

I can't function...

... if love is always on my mind.
God, keep it from my mind, let me focus with laser precision.

Living donor liver transplantation (LDLT)

I found the science and effects to be just FUCKING COOL.
Haven't gotten off like that on science in a while.

Mortality

I'm just being morbid, I guess, but from a young age, my father was afraid that I would die young. And as the age, at which one of my heroes died, nears, I'm feeling that I've wasted my life. I know this sounds stupid and all, but too many people feel that they're invincible. I sure did at a couple of times in my life. But if the similarities persist, I have less than 7 years to live.

Time to make something of the rest of my life. Because in all of my laziness lately, this thought of my mortality persists. I am going to die, and I do not want to have accomplished nothing when I go.

This is a win-win. Either I live my life to the fullest that I can before I bite it, or I really begin to turn my life around and, by doing so, dictate the way the rest of my life is going to be. But I will be damned if I go, having accomplished nothing.

"If I don't keep the pressure up.. find time to grieve. I can't let myself grieve. Grief is the enemy. There's no room for grief. Grief turns into acceptance. Forgiveness. Grief forgives what can never be forgiven. Never."
"You learn to speak by speaking, study by studying, work by working; in the same way you learn to love by loving."
"People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents."
"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars... to change the world."
"Your talent is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God."
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
"If you want redemption, Clark... it lies in the very next decision you make. Make it as a man... and make it right."
"Don't look back admiringly at your own footprints. It's all lost unless this next step is truly exceptional."
"The virtuous spirit has no need for thanks or approval, only the conviction that what has been done is right."
"We carry the most dangerous weapon in the world inside these thick little skulls of ours."
"There's plenty of time to sleep when you're dead. "
"Retirement is over."

Today in the ER...

Got a look at Heather's ex. Yeah, that was... whatever.

Helped label a LOT of tubes. Helped Joel.

Helped an African American lady with her feverish baby in getting a cool towel.

Spoke Spanish to a lady and son while filling out their registration. Impressed myself.

Laughed when a black lady told me that her son had put Play-Doh in his ears.

Smiled at the cute little blonde girl who smiled shyly at me, and laughed when her mom motioned to her other child, a son, and said: "Uh yeah. My son just swallowed a penny."

:)

Good times.

I seek...

... The complete mastery of myself.

Temptation

Most men would rather never be tempted, be it by a temptress, drugs, alcohol, money, fame, whatever, for fear of giving in. But let's just stick to lustful temptation for the sake of where I am going with this. I admittedly have a poor, poor track record, but I've never cheated on a girlfriend, let alone a wife.

I welcome the temptress, and all that she offers, so that when I walk away from her, 100% in control of myself and my being, I can go to my girlfriend, wife, and say:

"That's how much I love you."

I have my own problems, and I need to face them now.

Weights...

... are building my body, but almost... too fast! The changes already occurring within my body are scary and already visible. My body feels weird. I need to run more too and slim it down. But I hurt my foot.

She was just another face.

I am mostly Chinese...

... But my fighting style, though it may have Chinese system components, really doesn't resemble Chinese martial arts.

We may have to change that.

I hate Lost Odyssey

It has one of the coolest and seamless openings ever, and my initial thoughts were: "There is no way this game gets lower than an A."

Things change. After putting in over 45 hours, I give it a B-. It is TEDIOUS. Combat is slow. Spells are ineffectual. Loading times are rather frequent.

I was at the very end, and opted not to finish the game. Games should not be chores to play. Lost Odyssey is a chore. Eff that.

I put it up on Amazon.com if anyone wants to buy it. Just lemme know. Ugh.

It's as if I try to influence and take control of other people's lives, but want nothing to do with my own! It's time for me to take control of my own life. I can't change other people, but I can change myself. I want to save lives. People aren't listening to me now, when they should, and even when I'm proven right in things today, I am still not trusted or followed, not even by my closest friends.

Bottom line, I need to change myself, and so I will. Furthermore, I will no longer offer advice. The things I speak to them are perfectly sound and true, but go unfollowed, unheeded. Almost purposely. So to that, I say farewell. Get by on your own accounts BY your own accounts. You'll have no real input from me.

I have my own problems, and I need to face them now.

The fight is everything.

To live is to fight, to fight is to live!

Alfredo Quiñones-Hinojosa

I will never forget this name.

侍

I'm disgusted with myself.

I think I honestly need to get out of the house during the day.
Then, maybe, I will study, let alone studying more.

I'm guaranteed for med school...

Now, how much do I want to stay in the States for med school?

In the interest of blogging...

I shall blog.

For Christmas, Alex helped me get a 32 inch Samsung Series 3 flat widescreen TV. I'm sure I'm skimpin' out on features too, but I must say that Bluray makes a big difference in clarity. On the flipside, I'm (kind of) appalled at how clear makeup and acne show up. Take Smallville season 7... Damn. The makeup was also really clearly evident on the Bluray for 300. Whatever. It's all good...

And, I cannot help but stuff my face with strawberry Fruit Roll-Ups. At 50 calories, it's flatout awesome.

AFFECTS Fitness Academy and AFFECTS Martial Arts are shams!

I'm sorry. I just felt compelled to bring this back up, as Ray Ashton ("Captain Forehead") seems to have expanded his line of absolute bullshit.

The site is now http://www.affects.biz/
There's stuff that he's offering that he didn't offer before, such as "RAAM."

#1. If a martial art is going by an acronym... BEWARE

#2. He says, and I quote:
"After you have experienced only one formal session of RAAM, and you still believe that you know of another system that is more real-life, more practical and faster than RAAM then you may qualify for one whole year of free RAAM classes or any other AFFECTS' classes of your own choosing! We are certain that you will not find such a system any where in the country."
- Grand Master Ashton

I guess I wanna try this out, just so he can lose money on me. :-P
But fuck it, I know people, personally, who would not appreciate his comments. Don't tell me an actual soldier, trained by our US military, would fall to one of these AFFECTS acolytes. That's just stupid.

Please do not be duped by this swindler. His "martial art" and mouth has gotten him into quite a bit of trouble.

I'm just here to set the record straight. In two of my previous blog posts, I detailed some of my encounters with him. This all culminates in him wishing to kill me, and telling me he would if he was ever disrepected again. No lie. Please read them, carefully, and then ask yourself if you would want a master who threatened to kill a non-believer. I would seriously think about it before signing up for his 'martial art' sham.

And by the way, I'm not sure that Barack Obama or these beauty queens, whose pictures appear on the webpages, would endorse or appreciate their images being used commercially for this Affects Fitness bullshit.

The posts are below at this link:
http://wayofthedragon.blogspot.com/search?q=ray+ashton

You can get in touch with me on AIM: SANSHORYU