My left leg spasms...

Thought I'd finally comment on it... My left leg spasms. Today, it's the calf. The last few weeks, it's been the thigh area near the knee. It just... spasms.

Old Post...

Natalie Goldberg: "But, Roshi, it is so lonely."
Katagiri Roshi: "Is there anything wrong with loneliness?"
Natalie Goldberg: "No, I guess not."
---
Natalie Goldberg: " But, Roshi, you have sentenced me to such loneliness. Writing is very lonely."
Katagiri Roshi: "Anything you do deeply is very lonely. There are many Zen students here, but the ones that are going deep are very lonely."
Natalie Goldberg: "Are you lonely?"
Katagiri Roshi: "Of course. But I do not let it toss me away. It is just loneliness."
---
A long time ago, Alisha once commented on one of my numerous posts:
"why do you always think that you'll feel so much better after fighting someone? if you look at every entry where you're pissed off or annoyed or whatever, it always comes back to fighting someone...maybe you're looking in the wrong place for happiness..."
And she was right. When I fought Will last Friday, I do know that I did not think about Jessica at all during the combat. Didn't think about how "unhealthy" I am, didn't think of my grades, didn't think about all the problems everyone has. Nothing was on my mind but the eradication of the opponent in front of me. Video games don't do this for me! Fighting (and maybe training, if I can get back into it) is my ultimate release.

"After fighting, everything else in life gets dumbed down. You can handle anything.."
-paraphrased from Fight Club. How utterly and clearly true.

"If I don't keep the pressure up.. find time to grieve. I can't let myself grieve. Grief is the enemy. There's no room for grief. Grief turns into acceptance. Forgiveness. Grief forgives what can never be forgiven. Never."

This is the transition period, once again. I'm attempting to work hard again, to be the man I was... The man who inspired everyone. Right now, I don't feel a whole lot motivation, but at least there IS some. History has repeated, but not exactly as before, and though the way I have been reacting is similar to before, I'm nowhere near rock bottom as I was three years ago. But, I AM truly at the lowest I've been since that time. Nowhere else to go but up. My days are mixed, kinda good, then kinda bad, but I know that deep down, the early foundation/framework for my future success has been laid. I just wish I could know how everything is going to turn out. Time will tell. Go with the flow...

Summer of heartbreak/ache

Me and J

S and me

D and D

N an A

A and T

Miss Short and her (now ex-)husband

Luke and his bitch

Christy Chew and hers

Kenny G and Ashley

Luis and Liz

Mary and Alex Caire

Ashley and Patrick

Nurse Niles and Craig

Linden and her guy

She reminded me once that I'd done my job...
Guess it's time to fly away again...

How much do you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?

Stop trying to control everything and just let go.

LET GO!

There will be no Tsubame Gaeshi this time...
Goodbye.

karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma

Thank you God...

... for my closure.

Saw a cute brown rabbit on the HBU lawn today and a squirrel in the middle of the bridge, looking at the water...

Sat at the picnic table where we used to sit and converse...

And stood on the bridge where I used to hold her...

Tried to remember and reminisce...

But then wondered...

Was it real?

Or had it been just a dream?

Bruce Almighty on TV..
Pirates of the Caribbean comes out...
33 everywhere...
The Last Samurai out of the blue...

Be the miracle...

"Prepare yourself for the worst...

... so that the best can happen."

Superman Returns...

... in more ways than one.