"No one wants you when you're down and out..."

I cried today...

... and it wasn't because of Jessica. It's because I'm going to miss my brother. I won't even see him for 5 months. But I know that God has his plans for everyone, and Alex is beginning his. I love you, Little Dragon. Whether or not you know it, you are one of my most important inspirations. I love you so much. Godspeed, and God bless you and watch over you. The Dragons will be double again. I know it.

Today, I realized that everything's going to be ok. It's her loss. It IS mine also, but there will be another...

Glass eye... GLASS EYE!... GLASS EYE!

I will focus, forget, and forge on...

SAIKYO!

My mind is all jumbled. I need to pull myself together... recenter myself. It's tough. The path is very clearly obvious, but it's hard to focus. I need to acknowledge the fact that things're over. It shouldn't be so hard to accept. Things've faltered before. This is no different.

But it is. SHE is.

There ARE millions out there. Instead of punishing myself with idle thought, I need to punish myself with productive masochism. There was a time when all I thought about was building myself up, carving and refining the weapon that I was becoming. I wanted and still want to be God's soldier. But somewhere in the process, the power that I was accumulating corrupted me. I hurt people and I didn't care. I tore people to bits with my words and I didn't care. The women I've hurt...

THIS is karma coming back to bite me in the ass. I abused the power and it was diminished. I hurt women and one pays me back for all of them.

And I hate TV.

Girls and songs

Certain girls in my life I have come to associate with certain songs...

Melissa Stanley - "Valentine" by Martina McBride
Rachel Seely - "Never had a dream come true" by S Club 7
Jenny Davis - "Sk8er boi" by Avril Lavigne
Allison Reed - "Why don't you and I" by Nickelback and Santana
Rachael Jackson - "As long as you love me" - Backstreet Boys
Ashley Southern - "Waiting" by Staind, "I don't want to be your friend" by Do
Jessica Walker - "Resolution" by Nick Lachey

History does repeat...

... to a degree.

OK.

I fell for Jessica. She is everything I've ever wanted in a woman, and I mean everything. We both acknowledged that we've developed a significantly deep connection. She is beautiful, smart, hardworking, kind, with a good Samaritan attitude. All in all, nigh-perfect.

The problem is: things're moving too fast for her. That and our own specific personal issues have led to us fighting and and arguing on the phone. Things're just... out of order. Not even together and we're fighting. It kills me that I've raised my voice to her, and not to my idiot roommate. As a result of our verbal fights, things are at the lowest point they've been.

I haven't felt this bad since Jenny.
And it's the same type of feeling.

Which leads me to something really freaky. The last movie I ever saw with Jenny was "Bruce Almighty." There were a bunch of messages in that movie that, back then, I totally ignored or just didn't catch due to the inclement times. What followed were a couple of the roughest months of my life.

But today, I turned on the TV, and guess what was on? Yep. I was scared. But today, I caught a whole bunch of messages that were worthwhile. And I listened, today. Sucks that it took a movie to realign myself again. There are other things that the movie conveyed to me.

But what's up in the air now is: Will history repeat itself? Or will I know what to do?

If I know, then God knows.

God guide me

I haven't felt this bad in a while. Or this kind of bad. I pray that you bring me back, stronger than before, just like last time. Please guide me. Your Way is the only way. Amen.

I made a huge mistake... perhaps the biggest of my life.

Kokuryu returns...

Well at least I can hide behind that part of my identity. That's always the way it is. Nothing that I want, outside of things achieved, both in goals and material acquisitions, seems to happen. Maybe a better way to say that is that I accomplish nearly all of my goals, and almost always get what I want in terms of possessions, but when it comes to matters of the heart and emotion, I always lose. For that reason, it is always easier to go back to being Kokuryu. At least then I can channel my sorrow into something physically productive, though should I use what I have built, it can be physically destructive to my being as well. But at least the pain reminds me that I am alive, and not numb from the other kind of pain. I am a masochist for things physically challenging, but not for pain of the heart. That... I cannot take. In love, I feel alive. But I feel the same way in combat. When in love, I'm in love. When in a fight, there is only the opponent.

I've lost my focus.

Time to sharpen it again.

"... and you have to train your reflexes, so when you want it, it's there..."
"... so if I'm going to do it then I'm going to do it..."

The waters are stormy...

... and thus another name...
Tatsu is the dragon of the chaos.
And I am torn and undecided...
God guide me.