So...

... I am joined by Nick Smith, Oso, David, Will Greenshield, and Neal and Mitch (the latter two who are just there to watch) at the Affects Fitness center. The day before, we had been invited by Walter Reynolds (referred to hereafter as "Tree"), an orange belt, to join in on the class and/or to spar. As such, our goal is to spar with students, students who are blindly following Captain Forehead (Ray Ashton) in believing that Affects is the most deadly martial art on the planet. This man solicits at the Randalls store so much that the managers have had to escort him out. So the group of us walk in before the class, and we sit and wait. When Capt Forehead walks in, I stand up and shake his hand: "Respectfully sir, I'd like to spar with some of your students later." He responds to which as: "Ok."

Before the class begins, the dear Capt. enlightens us with his history... how he was the only non-Asian to be taught by some grandmaster who's 104 years old, how he spent 25 years developing Affects, and how he has three world records in hand speed.

The man is fast. But I've seen faster.

So, we sit and watch for about five minutes...

They begin doing forms... without stretching. I see Tree run his ass in and start doing his forms.

They yell a lot.

Bored, I stand up and ask if I can warm up with my group. He goes: "Sure." So I take the punching mitts and the kicking clapper and go off to the side. I first do some pushups, then some handstand pushups.

Ray Ashton interjects: "Impressive. But try 2 finger pushups on one leg." And he gets down and does them.
I shrug and say: "Yeah, I've got the 2 fingers, but just not the leg."

Oso starts to feed me punches, while Smith and David work kicks. A few good powered punches, and Capt Forehead interjects:
"Uh, if you're going to be making noise, you're going to be distracting. You can join in on the class if you like and do what they're doing or..."
I say: "Ok, we'll be back." and we go outside to warmup.

Cycling through punching and kicking, I notice that the dear Capt is checking on us every so often, scoping out what we can do.

We go back in and sit down and just watch, taking apart their movements. They do not use the hip for power. Woefully fatal. You can hit me all you want with your arm, but I'll be able to take it. Then I'll give you a good hook and you'll be out.

This is Tae Bo using semi-classical forms. And even Tae Bo is better for you.

Throughout the class, he tries to explain each and every form's purpose, each of which has a good application to real life in theory. But no one practices it on each other. He also says multiple times that we will have to sign waivers in case of injury etc etc etc. He also goes to say that: "When we spar, we start out like this..." Think Enter the Dragon. In the tournament, they start, hands touching. Hahaha that's my range. Y'all are DEAD. He also demonstrates one technique for us, and goes: "That's what you're up against."

And clearly... none of us are fazed.

Forehead asks lil Will to get up and to take the practice knife for a knife disarm demonstration. It takes the man 4 tries to disarm Will. How about... he's dead??

Asks me to come demonstrate a gun disarm. A lot less entertaining. He judo chops me in the neck (Remember what I would have taken during that gun disarm for later).

"We don't do that Hollywood crap." But yet you describe situations where you're sounded by three guys, one with a knife, the other with a bat, and the last swinging a chain, and what you should do in that situation (his first step is a LEAP in the AIR!!! AHAHAHAHA!). And yet, you have moves like "Leaping Tiger" and "Falling Falcon." What. The. FUCK. IS. THAT?
And then he says: "All that other stuff is just playing with your dick."
How unprofessional is that??? For a "master."

After a billion forms, he then asks us to go up and to demonstrate that which we know. His class hasn't sparred, or really practiced on each other. They've done forms, practiced one or two weapons, hit the bag, and done some weighted forms with 1.5 lb weights. Try my 1080 slow punches with 10 pound weights, motherfucker!!!

I quickly go over my background, and the teacher keeps interrupting me. So I explain that I need to show where my skills come from. After I have, Forehead asks me to demonstrate what I would do being in a bent over headlock. I demonstrate a takedown on Oso from being in said headlock, and the Capt says: "Takes too much time. My way would be over in 2 seconds." He demonstrates that he'd've hit the nuts. Ok, sure. I would have too. But then my grappling game isn't that good. Smith demonstrates a body slam on me from that same position. After that technique, Will goes to defend Tae Kwon Do and demonstrates a quick kick to MY NECK. It hurt! Fuck you Captain Forehead and your judo chop. I demonstrate a trap to multiple hits to a rolling takedown on Will. Oso demonstrates a takedown and a knee to MY HEAD.

The man uses tiny details to discredit us. Oh Jesus Christ (Gfm). I say: "Options."

He goes: "The purpose of our martial arts is to walk away." Sure, but then why is he talking about ripping out vital organs? Or why is he saying shit like: "I'd knock you to the wall." or saying (some time ago) that: "Nick's dancing is all good for show and sport, but it'd just take one kick to take him out." Riiiiiiiite.

So I call him out on his techniques there:
"It's only theory."
His eyes go wide. "It's not just theory."
"Sure it is, you haven't proven it."
He walks over to me to prove it, but why would I GIVE him that situation to prove it in?
Nick Smith said it best: "Situation dictates."
From taking a one handed choke, Smith demonstrates an arm break, but the Captain Forehead's all: "Nonono, you hit the inside of the elbow and the wrist." to loosen your attacker's grip. If he's got a GOOD grip, he'd only further traumatize his throat.
Capt Forehead goes: "You are incorrect." Fine, I can deal with that.
So I ask to spar with his students... I've been waiting for the waivers.
"We don't spar."
"Well I would like to get a real feel for the techniques you are using."
"We don't spar. We kill."
"Again, then it's only theory."

I forget what happens next, but he says later on: "You challenge my students you challenge ME."
I say: "Why?"
"Because 2 months ago you said you'd put me out of business."
"I said no such thing."
"And you came here today to challenge me."
"Actually, I was going to let that go. But yesterday Will [Tree/Walter] invited us all."
"2 months ago..."... was 2 months ago. This was yesterday.
He says: "Good day, gentlemen."

As I'm leaving, I shake Captain Forehead's hand, and say:
"I have no doubt that you are a formiddable man..." He smiles.
"... But I could destroy any of your students."
He says: "Ignorance is foolish."
"Except it's the truth."
"Ignorance--"
"I know what I'm saying. I've done my research on you."
He comes up really close to me and whispers:
"You don't know what I know... I train killers."
"Right."

Ironically, his top rank student, Gage, was impressed with us and would like to train with me.
Ain't that a kick in the teeth?

Where were the fuckin' waivers?

Quotes from the night:
Ray Ashton (PP): "After a student receives his Affects black belt, I'd put him up against any black belt on the planet."
RA: "In Tae Kwon Do, you can get a black belt in 6 months."
David Jones(PP): "Those white belts are arrogant."

The best story told by Mr Ray Ashton.
"A man held me up at gunpoint and asked me how much money I had. I said: 'No. How much money do YOU have?' Then I took the gun away from him and took his money and gave it to some kids."