I'm flying again. It's a little hard sometimes, but I'm doing ok. Seeing things get back to 'normal' is good. Wow I feel weird bloggin'. Used to be that I could just type whatever here, but today, I looked here and just thought about how empty it's honestly been here. I promise nothing, but I hope for more meaning in the posts to come.

Not quite at the point where I can look back and see that things were being set up for even better things, but I'd sure like to get there :)

But yes, my family and friends, 's for real...

Superman's back.

Yeah, I got my ass kicked...

Tomorrow will show how much work I have to do...

I'll still do my best.

Training

Friday:

1 lap around the house
light stretch

120 punch warmup

10 on each side of 3 different stretch kicks

2 X 3 min on the mitt punching, outboxer style

3 X 30 sec flutter kick (suuuuuuuuck)

Saturday:

Brief run

Stretch kick and punch

Went over TKD and anti-TKD strategies

TV vs Radio programs

It occurred to me that I listen to the TV as much as I watch it. I'll often multitask instead of spending 100% attention on the boob tube. I'll listen to what's being said while doing my pushups and stuff.

I guess if they had radio transcripts of shows, I might actually be inclined to tune in and listen. Maybe soap operas are best that way.

I realized...

... that if I get to know a girl, and fall in love with her, then it's going to be real love. And if it comes to that, she will never have to worry about me loving her above every other. She'll never have to worry about being loved ever again. My track record is bruised, but when I have loved, it was real, and it wasn't me making the choice to part.

Smile my friends, Superman's back.

Rocky Balboa:

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"

I still want that chance.

I see light...

It's just a crack, but light, nonetheless. Waiting for the Big Guy to pull the clouds apart as easily as I do with drapes. Smile.

"Clark, don't...

You blame yourself for Captain Marvel... for Magog and Kansas... for ten years that ended today.
Yes, you're angry. But in that anger, you're forgetting once more what humans feel.
What they fear.
They won't forgive you for this, Clark.

Forgive yourself.

Listen to me, Clark. Of all the things you can do... all your powers... the greatest has always been your instinctive knowledge of right... and wrong.
It was a gift of your own humanity. You never had to question your choices. In any situation... any crisis... you knew what to do.
But the minute you made the super more important than the man... the day you decided to turn your back on mankind... That completely cost you your instinct.

That took your judgment away.

Take it back.

If you want redemption, Clark... it lies in the very next decision you make.

Make it as a man... and make it right."

Rocky

If you didn't know, Sylvester Stallone was nominated for Best Actor in this film. He was likened to Marlon Brando and Robert De Niro. Wow!

Had he never done the sequels, nor ever starred in the hideous Rambo films, he might have had a much more illustrious acting career.

But then, wonder... would Rocky be as much of an American icon? Beating down the Muhammad Ali-esque Apollo Creed, the George Foreman-esque Clubber Lang, the Goliath in Ivan Drago... Would Rocky have endured?

But yeah, I don't give a shit about Rambo.

But the underdog, Rocky Balboa... that's always something to believe in.

I vow...

... to never be weak again.

Gears of War

is so awesome. Rock on Jack, Nee-L...

On another subject, sometimes I feel free, and other days I still want to hang on. Where's the next one?

Kamehameha

is a street and the name of a high school in Hawaii. Alex texted me that today.

Funny:

So my dad bought a used copy of The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald, for my sister. The book is in pretty damn good condition.

Except today, she noticed that on the very first page...

is a large drawing of a penis with hairy balls. LOL!

Yeah, I'm still Superman.

God, please help me...

I need You to be strong...
Strengthen me once again...

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess...

... is largely a beautiful, wonderful game.
It just has a shitty, non-customizable camera, some shitty shitty shitty (think N64) textures, and STILL synthesized (but well crafted) music.

9/10

And said project got shot down.

Started a new project...

Tryin' to bring Tony home.

It was a long day and it's not yet over.
The rewiring and reprogramming continues, but some of it is just plain hard to nix.
At least I figured out how to study for Organic Chem...

I've decided that I will not cut my hair until my birthday nears.

"Your talent is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God."

"Being normal sucks"
"At least being a freak makes you stronger"

My fight is neverending...

I must face it and remember that, every day, I have to fight on...
Should I forget it or turn my back on it, I might as well just die.

Bruce Lee
Jann Lee
Muhammad Ali
Superman
Batman
Spider-Man
Makunouchi Ippo
Takamura Mamoru
Kimura Tatsuya
James Bond
Squall Leonhart
Cloud Strife
Sephiroth
Lex Luthor
Don Vito Corleone
Don Michael Corleone
Mashiba Ryo
Ryu
Gouki/Akuma
Fei Long
Heero Yuy
Forest Law
Marshall Law
Ryu Hayabusa
Jin Kazama
Kazuya Mishima
Solid Snake
Big Boss
Son Goku
Son Gohan
Dante
Daredevil
Himura Kenshin
Shinomori Aoshi
Saito Hajime
Rudy Ruettiger
Jason Bourne
Daniel Caffey
Mas Oyama
Hotsuma
Ein
Hayate
The Punisher
Samurai Jack
Tony Jaa
John Clark
Jack Ryan
Doug Ross
Mark Greene
Luka Kovac
Randy Couture
The Count of Monte Cristo
Anderson Silva
Alfredo Quiñones-Hinojosa - Illegal immigrant, now brain surgeon
Ip Man - (Donnie Yen portrayal)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs

Still rewiring...

Jessica Elizabeth Walker, I still miss you.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

When something ends, another begins...

When something dies, another is born...

Such is the way of life...

Rewiring continues...

There was a time when I would have given everything in a relationship.
But no longer, and never again.

I retract my previous statements...

"Supernancy" Brandon Routh was in shape and pretty ripped, aside from his stomach, but the suit made him look small. Maybe it was really tight and restrictive. They should definitely work his lats and his stomach for the sequel though.

Hit a kink in the wiring, so still rewiring...

A young James Caan looks a lot like Julian McMahon.
A younger Margot Kidder looks a lot like Courteney Cox.
And yes, Brandon Routh looks like Christopher Reeve.

Still rewiring...

The rewiring of my brain continues...

SHORYUKEN!

Yeah you read that right, I'm gon' see if I can't develop it.

Need to extend my wings

They've been cramped in a bit. Gotta fly.
Or if I'm Superman.. get my cape out.

Lumines wisdom...

Lumines is the greatest puzzle game of all time. And during my playing marathon I came across some wisdom for life: simplify.

Simplify your life.

Keep shit simple. When you make things too complicated, it gets messy and it's hard to simplify from then on.

Just like the gameplay. However, when eliminating things or accomplishing tasks, do as much as you can at once (a la playing in combinations in the game).

Ha!

On another note, let's see how things go tomorrow.

We are who we choose to be.

I know what I need to do. Brothers, sisters, friends, forgive me if I become a little colder to you all. It means nothing, except that I'm reworking who I am, and am working hard. I still love you all. Bear with me, and believe in me, for the person who reemerges shall be more powerful than he ever was... More powerful than what you knew him to be.

I loved, I lost, I died.

The easiest way to find it is to stop looking.

God...

... Make me powerful as before.

I saw her studyin' w/ that other Asian guy. *sigh*
Sally, I'm really sorry. I know exactly how you feel.
Things will be good again, I promise.

The days have really been beautiful. Today's is too, but pleasantly windy.
Deep down, I knew that this was the quarter I was going to lose her.
But now, I think this next quarter is the one I'll win her back.

I think a lot now...

I came to 'something profound.' ;-)

The key to dealing with karma is sailing with it when it suits you, and jumping ship when it doesn't.

++

I know I'm going to be happy again, but it's just a little tough now. Always darkest before dawn and I DO think things are brightening, albeit very slowly.

At least Alex is comin' back in a week.

Push me, Lord. Carry me.

Well, I got a 100 on my paper.
A 100 on my comp test.
An A on the comp test I took yesterday.
An A on my test today.
w00t!

Father God...

Please take my pain.
I give it all to you, I am yours to mold and to build.

A butterfly touched and sat on my window...

It's supposed to be good luck.

Positive things...

Aight Shakka,
I had a light text convo with Jess yesterday, she still injecting some of her wit into them. I'll be getting two A's and a B this quarter, an improvement. After next Thursday, school's done for a lil bit. Yay.

I've learned some things and am coping. Let's be positive. Things will be ok and better than before. Shaun, I want you to teach me more in the MA. Seems like I am capable of a lot and a lot more.

Mo's getting with Andy and really likes him. :)
Rock's finding something with this gal, Nicole. :)
Shaun 'n' Sasha has a nice ring to it. :)
Hit me too! :)
Please!

Lookin' at an old post:
"Turns out a lot of us were in the same boat, but I jumped out to swim."

Now where are my damn swimmin' shorts?

The last fews days have been beautiful, and I've been taking notice. Since she and I are now forever apart, I've for some reason been taking solace in the days' beauty. Why are the days so beautiful now that she's gone? Why couldn't I have enjoyed them WITH her? *sigh* It's because I love her that I'm staying out of her life. I have to be stronger again. Karma comin' to bite me in the ass and God probably teaching me a lesson. Take care of me, Lord. I am weak.

God, I miss her.

From the Dilbert creator:
"Good News Day
As regular readers of my blog know, I lost my voice about 18 months ago. Permanently. It’s something exotic called Spasmodic Dysphonia. Essentially a part of the brain that controls speech just shuts down in some people, usually after you strain your voice during a bout with allergies (in my case) or some other sort of normal laryngitis. It happens to people in my age bracket.
I asked my doctor – a specialist for this condition – how many people have ever gotten better. Answer: zero. While there’s no cure, painful Botox injections through the front of the neck and into the vocal cords can stop the spasms for a few months. That weakens the muscles that otherwise spasm, but your voice is breathy and weak.
The weirdest part of this phenomenon is that speech is processed in different parts of the brain depending on the context. So people with this problem can often sing but they can’t talk. In my case I could do my normal professional speaking to large crowds but I could barely whisper and grunt off stage. And most people with this condition report they have the most trouble talking on the telephone or when there is background noise. I can speak normally alone, but not around others. That makes it sound like a social anxiety problem, but it’s really just a different context, because I could easily sing to those same people.
I stopped getting the Botox shots because although they allowed me to talk for a few weeks, my voice was too weak for public speaking. So at least until the fall speaking season ended, I chose to maximize my onstage voice at the expense of being able to speak in person.
My family and friends have been great. They read my lips as best they can. They lean in to hear the whispers. They guess. They put up with my six tries to say one word. And my personality is completely altered. My normal wittiness becomes slow and deliberate. And often, when it takes effort to speak a word intelligibly, the wrong word comes out because too much of my focus is on the effort of talking instead of the thinking of what to say. So a lot of the things that came out of my mouth frankly made no sense.
To state the obvious, much of life’s pleasure is diminished when you can’t speak. It has been tough.
But have I mentioned I’m an optimist?
Just because no one has ever gotten better from Spasmodic Dysphonia before doesn’t mean I can’t be the first. So every day for months and months I tried new tricks to regain my voice. I visualized speaking correctly and repeatedly told myself I could (affirmations). I used self hypnosis. I used voice therapy exercises. I spoke in higher pitches, or changing pitches. I observed when my voice worked best and when it was worst and looked for patterns. I tried speaking in foreign accents. I tried “singing” some words that were especially hard.
My theory was that the part of my brain responsible for normal speech was still intact, but for some reason had become disconnected from the neural pathways to my vocal cords. (That’s consistent with any expert’s best guess of what’s happening with Spasmodic Dysphonia. It’s somewhat mysterious.) And so I reasoned that there was some way to remap that connection. All I needed to do was find the type of speaking or context most similar – but still different enough – from normal speech that still worked. Once I could speak in that slightly different context, I would continue to close the gap between the different-context speech and normal speech until my neural pathways remapped. Well, that was my theory. But I’m no brain surgeon.
The day before yesterday, while helping on a homework assignment, I noticed I could speak perfectly in rhyme. Rhyme was a context I hadn’t considered. A poem isn’t singing and it isn’t regular talking. But for some reason the context is just different enough from normal speech that my brain handled it fine.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over the candlestick.
I repeated it dozens of times, partly because I could. It was effortless, even though it was similar to regular speech. I enjoyed repeating it, hearing the sound of my own voice working almost flawlessly. I longed for that sound, and the memory of normal speech. Perhaps the rhyme took me back to my own childhood too. Or maybe it’s just plain catchy. I enjoyed repeating it more than I should have. Then something happened.
My brain remapped.
My speech returned.
Not 100%, but close, like a car starting up on a cold winter night. And so I talked that night. A lot. And all the next day. A few times I felt my voice slipping away, so I repeated the nursery rhyme and tuned it back in. By the following night my voice was almost completely normal.
When I say my brain remapped, that’s the best description I have. During the worst of my voice problems, I would know in advance that I couldn’t get a word out. It was if I could feel the lack of connection between my brain and my vocal cords. But suddenly, yesterday, I felt the connection again. It wasn’t just being able to speak, it was KNOWING how. The knowing returned.
I still don’t know if this is permanent. But I do know that for one day I got to speak normally. And this is one of the happiest days of my life.
But enough about me. Leave me a comment telling me the happiest moment of YOUR life. Keep it brief. Only good news today. I don’t want to hear anything else."

I want to remap my brain so that I don't love romantically again.

The Dragon returns...

Every time I try to get away from it, my life always comes back to this picture...













I can't avoid it and I can't stop it...
It's the only thing that is ever so purely right.

KOTOR II

So I played thru KOTOR II, finishing it last night (for the second time since I've had it). Too bad the game was never fully completed. The game is rife with uncompleted programming and you can clearly see it in many areas. Too bad. Fully completed, KOTOR II would have exceeded the original in every way.

I am a poor martial artist...

I'm a good fighter, but I'm a poor martial artist. Sure I've been able to mix and match and combine what I've learned into something rather formiddable. Sure I can fight better than most black belts out there. But... Having lacked a proper formal teacher, I don't quite know the lessons on composure and TRUE INNER peace. I believe in God, too, so things should be easier for me when it comes to peace. But I still haven't learned to control my emotions...

"Enough! You dishonor your sensei with this loss of composure! Your rage is born of fear and is unbefitting in a student of the martial arts! You'll be given opportunities to prove yourself to me. Until then, boy -- PATIENCE is a virtue!"

Need to put forward actual EFFORT. Then maybe that 89 on my ochem test would've been higher. Damn.

"Bless the Broken Road"

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you...

There was a time when the best thing I had going for me was my grades. I need to focus again. I can't believe that I was taking my grades for granted and complaining that nothing else was happening. No wonder I lost my aim. Now, though it's admittedly getting easier, I'm down in the dumps about Jessica. Yes, peoples, it's over. Completely. I recall this happening before, except the object of my affection at that time was someone named Ashley. Damn it all.

God, give me focus and strength. Please. Even if it's anger that fills my soul, please God, let it go to something useful. Give me the strength You once regained for me. The same strength that David, Alisha, Neal, Jack, Rock... that they have.

Please.

"In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make..."

"Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” -William James

"You learn to speak by speaking, study by studying, work by working; in the same way you learn to love by loving." -Anatole France

"People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents." -Andrew Carnegie

"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars... to change the world." -Harriet Tubman

Taken from Ai-van's xanga, not that she knows it...

"Are you going through a rough patch in your life? So much that you don't even want to know how things will end because how could the end be happy? I mean how could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.. But in the the end, you must understand that it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer."

God, please help me...

I wanted to .. be bad again.
Please maintain my will.

Superman Returns...

...for real this time...

I look like a freaking...

... hedgehog.
Wonder how long it's going to take before my hair is as long as it was in my profile picture...

I was wrong...

I am not human...

I am so angry with myself.

Andy Hug, Donnie Yen...

You two join my list of heroes...

Superman is what we want to be.

Batman is who we could be.

Spider-Man is who we are.

:-\

My left leg spasms...

Thought I'd finally comment on it... My left leg spasms. Today, it's the calf. The last few weeks, it's been the thigh area near the knee. It just... spasms.

Old Post...

Natalie Goldberg: "But, Roshi, it is so lonely."
Katagiri Roshi: "Is there anything wrong with loneliness?"
Natalie Goldberg: "No, I guess not."
---
Natalie Goldberg: " But, Roshi, you have sentenced me to such loneliness. Writing is very lonely."
Katagiri Roshi: "Anything you do deeply is very lonely. There are many Zen students here, but the ones that are going deep are very lonely."
Natalie Goldberg: "Are you lonely?"
Katagiri Roshi: "Of course. But I do not let it toss me away. It is just loneliness."
---
A long time ago, Alisha once commented on one of my numerous posts:
"why do you always think that you'll feel so much better after fighting someone? if you look at every entry where you're pissed off or annoyed or whatever, it always comes back to fighting someone...maybe you're looking in the wrong place for happiness..."
And she was right. When I fought Will last Friday, I do know that I did not think about Jessica at all during the combat. Didn't think about how "unhealthy" I am, didn't think of my grades, didn't think about all the problems everyone has. Nothing was on my mind but the eradication of the opponent in front of me. Video games don't do this for me! Fighting (and maybe training, if I can get back into it) is my ultimate release.

"After fighting, everything else in life gets dumbed down. You can handle anything.."
-paraphrased from Fight Club. How utterly and clearly true.

"If I don't keep the pressure up.. find time to grieve. I can't let myself grieve. Grief is the enemy. There's no room for grief. Grief turns into acceptance. Forgiveness. Grief forgives what can never be forgiven. Never."

This is the transition period, once again. I'm attempting to work hard again, to be the man I was... The man who inspired everyone. Right now, I don't feel a whole lot motivation, but at least there IS some. History has repeated, but not exactly as before, and though the way I have been reacting is similar to before, I'm nowhere near rock bottom as I was three years ago. But, I AM truly at the lowest I've been since that time. Nowhere else to go but up. My days are mixed, kinda good, then kinda bad, but I know that deep down, the early foundation/framework for my future success has been laid. I just wish I could know how everything is going to turn out. Time will tell. Go with the flow...

Summer of heartbreak/ache

Me and J

S and me

D and D

N an A

A and T

Miss Short and her (now ex-)husband

Luke and his bitch

Christy Chew and hers

Kenny G and Ashley

Luis and Liz

Mary and Alex Caire

Ashley and Patrick

Nurse Niles and Craig

Linden and her guy

She reminded me once that I'd done my job...
Guess it's time to fly away again...

How much do you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?

Stop trying to control everything and just let go.

LET GO!

There will be no Tsubame Gaeshi this time...
Goodbye.

karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma karma

Thank you God...

... for my closure.

Saw a cute brown rabbit on the HBU lawn today and a squirrel in the middle of the bridge, looking at the water...

Sat at the picnic table where we used to sit and converse...

And stood on the bridge where I used to hold her...

Tried to remember and reminisce...

But then wondered...

Was it real?

Or had it been just a dream?

Bruce Almighty on TV..
Pirates of the Caribbean comes out...
33 everywhere...
The Last Samurai out of the blue...

Be the miracle...

"Prepare yourself for the worst...

... so that the best can happen."

Superman Returns...

... in more ways than one.

"No one wants you when you're down and out..."

I cried today...

... and it wasn't because of Jessica. It's because I'm going to miss my brother. I won't even see him for 5 months. But I know that God has his plans for everyone, and Alex is beginning his. I love you, Little Dragon. Whether or not you know it, you are one of my most important inspirations. I love you so much. Godspeed, and God bless you and watch over you. The Dragons will be double again. I know it.

Today, I realized that everything's going to be ok. It's her loss. It IS mine also, but there will be another...

Glass eye... GLASS EYE!... GLASS EYE!

I will focus, forget, and forge on...

SAIKYO!

My mind is all jumbled. I need to pull myself together... recenter myself. It's tough. The path is very clearly obvious, but it's hard to focus. I need to acknowledge the fact that things're over. It shouldn't be so hard to accept. Things've faltered before. This is no different.

But it is. SHE is.

There ARE millions out there. Instead of punishing myself with idle thought, I need to punish myself with productive masochism. There was a time when all I thought about was building myself up, carving and refining the weapon that I was becoming. I wanted and still want to be God's soldier. But somewhere in the process, the power that I was accumulating corrupted me. I hurt people and I didn't care. I tore people to bits with my words and I didn't care. The women I've hurt...

THIS is karma coming back to bite me in the ass. I abused the power and it was diminished. I hurt women and one pays me back for all of them.

And I hate TV.

Girls and songs

Certain girls in my life I have come to associate with certain songs...

Melissa Stanley - "Valentine" by Martina McBride
Rachel Seely - "Never had a dream come true" by S Club 7
Jenny Davis - "Sk8er boi" by Avril Lavigne
Allison Reed - "Why don't you and I" by Nickelback and Santana
Rachael Jackson - "As long as you love me" - Backstreet Boys
Ashley Southern - "Waiting" by Staind, "I don't want to be your friend" by Do
Jessica Walker - "Resolution" by Nick Lachey

History does repeat...

... to a degree.

OK.

I fell for Jessica. She is everything I've ever wanted in a woman, and I mean everything. We both acknowledged that we've developed a significantly deep connection. She is beautiful, smart, hardworking, kind, with a good Samaritan attitude. All in all, nigh-perfect.

The problem is: things're moving too fast for her. That and our own specific personal issues have led to us fighting and and arguing on the phone. Things're just... out of order. Not even together and we're fighting. It kills me that I've raised my voice to her, and not to my idiot roommate. As a result of our verbal fights, things are at the lowest point they've been.

I haven't felt this bad since Jenny.
And it's the same type of feeling.

Which leads me to something really freaky. The last movie I ever saw with Jenny was "Bruce Almighty." There were a bunch of messages in that movie that, back then, I totally ignored or just didn't catch due to the inclement times. What followed were a couple of the roughest months of my life.

But today, I turned on the TV, and guess what was on? Yep. I was scared. But today, I caught a whole bunch of messages that were worthwhile. And I listened, today. Sucks that it took a movie to realign myself again. There are other things that the movie conveyed to me.

But what's up in the air now is: Will history repeat itself? Or will I know what to do?

If I know, then God knows.

God guide me

I haven't felt this bad in a while. Or this kind of bad. I pray that you bring me back, stronger than before, just like last time. Please guide me. Your Way is the only way. Amen.

I made a huge mistake... perhaps the biggest of my life.

Kokuryu returns...

Well at least I can hide behind that part of my identity. That's always the way it is. Nothing that I want, outside of things achieved, both in goals and material acquisitions, seems to happen. Maybe a better way to say that is that I accomplish nearly all of my goals, and almost always get what I want in terms of possessions, but when it comes to matters of the heart and emotion, I always lose. For that reason, it is always easier to go back to being Kokuryu. At least then I can channel my sorrow into something physically productive, though should I use what I have built, it can be physically destructive to my being as well. But at least the pain reminds me that I am alive, and not numb from the other kind of pain. I am a masochist for things physically challenging, but not for pain of the heart. That... I cannot take. In love, I feel alive. But I feel the same way in combat. When in love, I'm in love. When in a fight, there is only the opponent.

I've lost my focus.

Time to sharpen it again.